The World Is Watching

Finally got back into the rhythm of reading books. Jonathan Safran Foer could potentially be my new favorite author.

It’s been a really long while since I’ve had time to sit in silence and just enjoy the quiet by myself. Today was my first me day since last year probably.

The past term was crazy, and right after that I went straight to YE preps, and the week after that was spent out with people from the youth. Although I did have a lot of fun, I was getting tired. Living too fast, doing too many things all at once really left me tired and never gave me time to fully rest and quiet down.

I spent the day reading this book called Captivating. It was given to me around this time last year by Ate Kath but I’d only find time to read little bits of it. I think reading it today was God’s way of speaking to me.

I am worth it.

I am not weak.

I am loved.

I am beautiful.

For the first time in ages, all I could hear was God’s voice through that book and I was slowly letting go of all the negative things I thought about myself. And no the things that happen to me aren’t always my fault. Now I see why all my hurts and wounds are similar.

“I am passionately loved by the God of the universe. I am passionately hated by the enemy.”

My mind’s honestly been so empty of toxic thoughts, and I’m so happy that it’s been like this for the past few days. Today was truly an amazing day. I saw and heard God in the quiet of my room. I got to sit alone without scaring myself with negativity. And mostly I just enjoyed being with myself.

It’s been a while since I last internet ranted, but seeing as how I now finally have the time to fully evaluate what I’m feeling, here goes nothing.

1. The YE11 weekend was just a few days ago. I can’t deny that it was amazing, but for once I am not on that emotional high after every amazing encounter with God. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m kind of bummed out about it since everyone I know is on fire, and I’m just there nodding my head and smiling when deep inside I feel a certain emptiness. I’m not saying that I give up on my faith, or my journey with God, it’s just that I’m surprised that I’m not on a high. If you’d ask me, I’d say that this weekend was beyond amazing, but the YE10 weekend is still best, and was the turning point of my life.

2. I’m so incredibly happy that second year is over. It was exhausting. I was burned out before I could even finish the year, but I made it. I finally made it. And I did way freakin better than I could have ever imagined myself to do so. I don’t know how many times I broke down this school year just because I felt I wasn’t good enough to be in my course, or because I felt I made the wrong decision to go to DLSU, or because I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. Second year was just really tough. And saying goodbye now just feels like I lifted the world off my shoulders.

3. I don’t think I’ve ever guarded my heart as much as I am now. I know that I’m okay though. For the past few weeks, the only times I’d feel bad or break down would be because of school-related things. But I’ve been… fine. Maybe I’m all healed again, because aside from being okay, I’ve been significantly happier. At the same time, I feel like I could be shutting people out without knowing it. I’m just scared of getting hurt again. Who wouldn’t be, right?

4. These were all just random and nonsensical thoughts but I just needed somewhere to let it all out.

I didn’t know her too well, but I saw the way she touched the lives of the people who touched mine. I can’t thank her enough for that. I would have loved for her to stick around longer so more of us could get to know her and who she was as the older youth did, but she’s finally home with the Father. Her suffering here is over and she’s now in paradise.

Thank you, tita Belle for everything you’ve done. Although I didn’t get to see you in action, your example lives on forever through the older youth who continue to move people as you’ve moved them.

Yesterday a friend asked me “do you know what the difference between coal and diamonds is? Because they’re the same thing, you know that.”

“Well, a diamond has to undergo insane pressure before becoming what it is,” I answered. I’ve heard it way too many times before to not know.

“Exactly.”

I don’t know if that short exchange was a warning, or a foreshadowing of what was going to happen. A couple of hours after he said that, everything kind of screwed over. This weekend had way too many terrible moments to count. And a bad weekend is just the PERFECT way to start a hell month isn’t it?

But I know that I’m being tested right now. And okay, I cracked and screwed up already. It isn’t happening again. This time, I won’t lose sight of who I am and what I want to do. This time, I won’t rely on what other people tell me.

This time, I’m holding on to hope in God. I know that He’s molding me into who I ought to be, and that He’s preparing me for what I ought to do. I am not gonna stay as a piece of coal.

It’s funny how sometimes the one thing you’ve been avoiding may have been the thing you needed the most. For the past few weeks I’ve been avoiding talking to people just because I finally felt everything was going well with me. I didn’t wanna have to talk about anything with anyone because I felt that if I did, I’d unearth some negative feelings that I buried.

Tonight, I ended up doing exactly what I was avoiding. It actually hurts a lot more when you open up an old wound than when you get a new one. But maybe opening it up again was just what I needed, because I realized that the more I faced it the less it hurt. I’m glad to say that I can admit what bothers me. I’m even more glad to say that I have an amazing set of friends who won’t let me go through these things alone.

The entire day was truly a blessed day and I would not have had it any other way.