Change doesn’t end with realizing.
YES YES WITH ALL MY HEART YES?????
I was ready to sleep over two hours ago ‘til I started hearing these voices telling me that I wasn’t going to make it anywhere.
“No one wants you.”
“Why even bother?”
For the first time ever, my fear took on a life of its own and started taunting me. I felt/am feeling so powerless, like I can’t say anything back because a part of believe believes what it’s saying is true. And how can I fight back when I have nothing and while I’m running on an empty tank?
It didn’t help that my room was completely dark - a metaphor for my thoughts. I turned on my lamp and pulled out an envelope of letters from my night table. I dug through the letters for one that said “read this when you need courage.” It was one I had never opened since I got the envelope. I expected it to tell me the typical “you can do it” crap no one ever really wants to hear but instead, I got this:
“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” -Isaiah 41:10
I remember that verse being my lifeline when I had my first heartbreak. It’s been a while since I actually listened to God. In fact, I wasn’t even listening today. I called out and had a pretty bad meltdown, and I was moved to turn on the light and look for that letter. The words have never felt more real and personal. My God has never felt so close. The voices are quieting down and peace is slowly streaming in. And although I’m probably going to wake up looking like a zombie tomorrow, I’m thankful for what I experienced in the last few hours.
Thinking ahead would normally excite me, but all I seem to be doing now is running away from the future. It’s not that I don’t want to be serious yet, it’s just that I haven’t been able to catch a breath since school ended.
Here’s how my post-college plan was supposed to go:
- take a break for a month
- attend graduation on October
- hit up Thailand for a couple of weeks
- extend my vacation til the end of the year
- start looking for a job come January and officially start work a couple of months after
Weeks before school even ended my dad started asking me if I found a job yet. What the hell would I be doing thinking about a job when I had to focus my attention on actually making out of college alive? And the minute I stopped school he’d ask me literally twice a day every day if I have a plan yet despite me saying YES I HAVE PLACES IN MIND.
I wish I could catch a breath because obviously I’m going to have to start working way sooner than I had planned. And the advice my parents give me never make any sense: one day they tell me to do what I love, another they tell me I can’t be picky with what I do. I told my mom I got a call from a real estate company, asking me for an interview but I immediately said no because I knew that regardless of the pay or the position I had, I wouldn’t be happy. Some days she’s say “good, you should do what you love”, and other days she’s imply that i should have taken it. What?????
It’s 2am and I’m wide awake as usual. I haven’t been sleeping normally for the past couple of weeks. Mostly because some form of anxiety would creep over and set my mind on overdrive. Some nights I wouldn’t even sleep at all. And I swear the nightmares of me dying are back and they’re so much worse than the last time I had those kinda of nightmares (ok don’t worry I am not going to kill myself).
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been looking for places I’d want to work in and I already have a long list of companies to apply to. I’ve been fixing my resume and my portfolio. But is it wrong to not want to care for at least a week, a day even? Can’t I at least take a good vacation before never having one ever again? God what’s wrong with not wanting to worry about the future for five minutes?