Being awake late at night is the most instant way to get horrendous pangs of anxiety about the future.
I should really start reminding myself that I’m allowed to still be on vacation.
Change doesn’t end with realizing.
YES YES WITH ALL MY HEART YES?????
I was ready to sleep over two hours ago ‘til I started hearing these voices telling me that I wasn’t going to make it anywhere.
“No one wants you.”
“Why even bother?”
For the first time ever, my fear took on a life of its own and started taunting me. I felt/am feeling so powerless, like I can’t say anything back because a part of believe believes what it’s saying is true. And how can I fight back when I have nothing and while I’m running on an empty tank?
It didn’t help that my room was completely dark - a metaphor for my thoughts. I turned on my lamp and pulled out an envelope of letters from my night table. I dug through the letters for one that said “read this when you need courage.” It was one I had never opened since I got the envelope. I expected it to tell me the typical “you can do it” crap no one ever really wants to hear but instead, I got this:
“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” -Isaiah 41:10
I remember that verse being my lifeline when I had my first heartbreak. It’s been a while since I actually listened to God. In fact, I wasn’t even listening today. I called out and had a pretty bad meltdown, and I was moved to turn on the light and look for that letter. The words have never felt more real and personal. My God has never felt so close. The voices are quieting down and peace is slowly streaming in. And although I’m probably going to wake up looking like a zombie tomorrow, I’m thankful for what I experienced in the last few hours.